Economics, Stockbroker and Investing Jokes

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem.

If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke."

A stockbroker and his two friends took a month off to sail across the Atlantic.

Midway across they hit a hurricane and the yacht sank, leaving barely enough time for all three to radio for help and scramble into a rubber life raft.

The raft was riding very low in the water and being circled relentlessly by six or seven sharks when a Coast Guard launched a small rescue boat.

A giant wave came along and swamped the survivor's raft. In an instant the sharks mauled the two stockbroker's friends into little more than hamburger, but then broke apart to form a pathway and escort the survivor safely into the hands of the Coast Guard.

"Damn!" gasped one of the astonished sailors. "That was a miracle!" "Nah," explained the stockbroker modestly, wringing the seawater out of his shirt. "Just professional courtesy!"

Stockbroker's creed:

A man is a client until proven broke.

stock crash
Famous Last Words:

  1. Stock prices have reached what looks like a permanent high plateau.
  2. All these analysts can't be wrong.
  3. I'd be perfectly happy to hold these securities even if the market shut down for 10 years.
  4. The Dow Jones is rock solid.
  5. A bank is a place where they really help you.
  6. Let's hope things are better tomorrow.
  7. Things can't get worse.
  8. I'm convinced we have reached the bottom.
  9. Run with the herd.
  10. Never run with the herd.
  11. It's probably just a minor correction.
  12. The odds of that happening are a million to one.
  13. Well, so far this valuation method always worked.
  14. No need to panic.

The stock market is weird.

Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.

I tell ya this stock market is bad.

It's even worse than a divorce. You lose 50% of your net worth, but still keep the wife.

QUESTION: How do I find a good small-cap fund manager?

ANSWER: Find a good large-cap fund manager, and wait.

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died. "Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

(Chuck is working in an Investment Bank)

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