Investing and Investments Jokes

If you work in a bank you can't bring home samples.

A banker never lends any money to anybody unless they don't need it.

Banks have a very interesting philosophy.

You give them your money to keep--and if you try to borrow it back, they want to know if you're good for it!

I never knew why banks called them "personal loans." I missed three payments and boy did they get personal.

Be careful of those calendars banks give you to help you keep track of your payments. I saw one with 16 months on it.

Never talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you.

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

STOCK: Something that is worth $29.95 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $9.95.

The First Rule of Investing:

Never lose money.

The Second Rule of Investing:

Never forget the fist rule!

Sometimes your best investments are the ones you don't make.

Profit is only made after all your positions are closed.

Money is always there...

But the pockets change.

bernanke humor
Nobody ever went bankrupt by taking profit.

Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart!

Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

A stockbroker is a person who says to his client: I've reviewed your portfolio, and if we manage your stocks properly, there should be plenty of money for both of us.

A doctor told his patient that her test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.

"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a stockbroker," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life!"

Things go wrong all at once, but things go right gradually.

Stock market analysis is the art of never having to say you're wrong.

When asked what the stock market will do, J.P Morgan (1837-1913) (banker, financier, businessman) replied:

"It will fluctuate!"

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