A technical analyst is a person who thinks that nine women can produce a child in one month.

Why is a BMW a stockbroker's favorite car?

Because he can't spell Porsche.

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my stock brokerage office is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... She leaned over and pushed me."

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $10 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear? Neither, just a plain simple ass!

You know Greenspan's been around Sooooo long he remembers the tulip bubble!

A civil engineer, a chemist and a stockbroker are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn.

"I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says.

The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal."

The chemist says, "That's OK, I'll sleep in the barn." The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal."

So the stockbroker is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster!

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

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