You're solvent if you don't have to smooth down your hair and straighten your tie when you go into the bank for a loan.

You know you've gone to the wrong stockbroker when you ask him to buy 1,000 shares in IBM and he asks you how to spell it.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

A stockbroker says to his colleague, "I don't think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time."

"You're right," he replied. "My whole life all I've done is lose money." Next day he comes to work and resigns.

His coworker asks, "What are you going to do for living?" "I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time." "How?" "I am going to build a web page and take it public!"

I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear? Neither, just a plain stupid simple ass.

A stockbroker is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your money for his commission.

Technical analysis is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion.

The Godfather, accompanied by his stockbroker, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The stockbroker interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."

The stockbroker, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The stockbroker interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The stockbroker signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The stockbroker interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Investment Quotes for...

12 months ago if you had bought 1,000 worth of ABC stock you would now have 35. If you had bought 1,000 worth of beer you would now have 41 worth of empty beer cans. Therefore... Invest in beer!

Murphy's Laws

A stockbroker is someone who invests your money till it's all gone!

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