QUESTION: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
ANSWER: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Stockbroker: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second ...
The First Law of Investing: The only thing more dangerous than a stockbroker is an amateur stockbroker.
The Second Law of Investing: The only thing more dangerous than an amateur stockbroker is a professional stockbroker!
Research and decisions are too much hard work, so at Lemming Investing Company, we follow the crowd.
If everybody is buying, we buy; if everybody is selling, we sell. We don't want to be first at anything!
The market is weird:
Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
The new name: Ow Jones!
One more new name: Down Jones!
I went to the bank and went over my savings.
I found out I have all the money that I'll ever need ... If I'll die tomorrow.
Today's Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market ...
The only thing more dangerous than an amateur stockbroker is a professional stockbroker.
A stock market analyst is someone who doesn't know what he's talking about - and make you feel it's your fault.
The safest way to double your money is to fold it and put it in your pocket.
A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.