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Is a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Is a 6 to 24 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
QUESTION: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
ANSWER: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Greek village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.
The American complimented the Greek on the quality of his fish and asked, "How long does it take to catch them?" The Greek replied: "Only a little while."
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Greek said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Greek fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play cards with my friends, I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.
Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Athens, then London and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Greek fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-25 years."
"But what then?" The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions ... Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play cards with your friends."
There was a tremendous turnaround in the market today:
A stockbrocker who jumped out of a window on the thiteenth floor, saw a computer screen on the seventh floor and did a U-turn.
Investment Quotes for ...
12 months ago if you had bought 1,000 worth of ABC stock you would now have 35.
If you had bought 1,000 worth of beer you would now have 41 worth of empty beer cans.
Therefore ... Invest in beer!
Is someone who invests your money till it's all gone!
A retired man visited a doctor to seek medical advice for what he suspects as new and very unusual health problems.
"Doc, I feel shortness of breath, dizziness, cold sweats, can't sleep. Do you think I will collapse any time soon?" Doctor: "Yep. You must be from Wall Street!"
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
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